If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
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Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Incredible customer service.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.