Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
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hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.