Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
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Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth