whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
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Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?