I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
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my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”