I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
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What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Good morning
I鈥檓 not here to offend anyone; I鈥檓 here to offend everyone.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you鈥檙e a much better cook than mummy
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Donating blood today to make room for more food
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Sorry we can鈥檛 be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she鈥檚 buying me and my wife gifts.