On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
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AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
the battle rages on
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room