Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
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Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
I think we should hear other voices.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.