I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
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How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
had to make it
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?