Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
You Might Also Like
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Don’t make me out nice you.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins