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We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Good boy 😂😂
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.