This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
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This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.