Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
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Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
A great tip. #CakeRex
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance