My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
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i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Strange
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.