Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
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I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009