“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
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Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three