I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
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Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!