My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
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When news reporters do sports stories
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
#Thanos #MondayMood
Has science gone too far?
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.