I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
You Might Also Like
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
What kind of a cult is this?
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.