People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
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My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Attacked by a mop.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.