To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
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Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
my dog when i have a friend over
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Feels
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?