Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
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[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.