[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
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Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.