I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
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You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!