Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
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Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it