200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
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me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Yeah. This was me today.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.