Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
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“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.