Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
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Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.