Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
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“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
2022 be like
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.