In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
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Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update