I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
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So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Herpes is trending, good job people
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.