3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
You Might Also Like
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”