You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
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Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working