I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
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Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days