Spring cleaning checklist…
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The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
sensitive skin
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.