How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
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I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY