The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
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Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.