Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
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[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Ha.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.