8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
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THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.