So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
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Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.