Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
You Might Also Like
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.