* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
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Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
That earthquake could have been an email.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Check out the legs on this baby
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.