COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
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partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.