I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
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Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Does it…does it take 3 days
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open