Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
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We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.