Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
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Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Legend 🤣🤣
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day