What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
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That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Wait a minute…
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Please do it!
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”