[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
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Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
life finds a way
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
This is sending me to another galaxy
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!