Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
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PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST