[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
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I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Simple
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.